I never knew you although you were always there in our home. Our relationship was a tug of war. Growing up, in my eyes, you appeared detached, harsh, unfair, highly critical and never allowed me a voice. This girl longed for a mother and daughter relationship that I had witness between my friends and their mothers. Yet, with you I met indifference. I never saw you and Daddy fight in front of me; yet the angry, straining stares between Daddy and you spoke to me in volumes.
When Daddy died suddenly as I entered to my teens; I looked to you for guidance. The secret Daddy tried to hide came out in full vengeance; your alcoholism. I was growing up, body changing, big girl feelings and desires filled me and confused me. Momma, I needed to understand these things, but you were too drunk to care. Shame and anger overwhelmed me from the pointing fingers, whispers and nasty jokes of the children and the mothers in our neighborhood. It crushed my spirit and left me numb.
Longing for love to rid me of the emptiness, I had a child earlier then I had dreamed. My dream was to have a long marriage like you and Daddy and raise my children. I feared telling you. When I finally did, you coldly said “I already knew, I was just waiting for you to come to me.” Then you said something I will never forget; “This is your child, I raised mine.” When my son was born, it was a joyous and life altering time. I remember thinking, now I am someone’s mother, how will I measure up? Over time I understood these things: the gift of motherhood comes with no manual. This tiny life God allowed me to have stewardship over for a time is serious business.
Momma you made mistakes, and so had I. The special bond you had with my son let me see you in another light. You did the best you could under the circumstances. The love of your life, your rock, had suddenly died and you were left to pickup the pieces while struggling alone with the demon of alcoholism. Could you have done things differently between you and me, my heart says YES, but who is to say you did not do things exactly as God had planned. Over the months, weeks and days caring for you at your hospital bedside taught me all about obedience, responsibility, acceptance, patience and most importantly a mother’s heartache and her undying love. I discovered you always loved me and you had many dreams for me and dreams for yourself.
Momma on this Mother’s Day, I finally I ask for your forgiveness. I have been unfair, detached, harsh and highly critical. I judged you from the eyes of a lonely, hurt, misguided child who did not know the challenging undertakings of being a mother. Momma, I found my voice and I use it with unwavering respect, honor and devotion for you. I would not be the woman who walks in faith today if not for all we have been through. The night before you died I recall our conversation like yesterday. It went like this; Me: “Mommy, I will see you in the morning. Mommy: “You see me now.” Yes Mommy, years and years later, I SEE YOU NOW. You are with our Savior and there is no more pain. One day we will meet again. Until then let me say ” Thanks for being my Momma, I love you.”
Your loving humble Daughter,